true friends ?

It's hard to know who are true friends and who are not. You think they are and then you would do anything for them and eventually find out they didn't care for you as much as you did for them. You wasted those times with them, you wasted your energy making them happy or wasted giving them your loyalty. When the friendship ends and you see the real picture that they weren't in the friendship like you were, it hurts. Its sad at first and then it turns into anger. You think to yourself why did I waste so much time with that person? I was stupid and blind to see the real picture of who they were and how they treated me. Years after you still think of that person and all you did for them. Just so much pain and anger thinking they probably didn't appreciate all you did. You think the next time I see that person I am going to tell them straight up what I think about them and how much I wasted on them. Make them feel small just like they did to me. How do you know if they will be loyal to you as much as you are to them? How can you know if they are in the friendship because they enjoy your company and want you in their lives? How can you know they wont back stab you or hurt you? Who can know these answers when becoming friends with someone. Who can tell if this friendship is worth my time? It hurts so badly when you care so much and be the best friend you ever can be. Always have their back, always trying to do things with them that you know they will enjoy, always caring so much, never leaving them out, never treat them with disrespect and never forget them. Why does the good friend get hurt in the end and the bad friend gets away with it and moves on like there was no friendship. It’s hard to know anything anymore. To know the difference between a true friend from a fake friend. Loyal friends just like you are out there and will be found. Just looking forward to that day where you know your friendship is appreciated. 

    

Decisions

Personally I dislike making hard decisions. To tell you the truth I actually don't like making any decisions unless I am positive on what I want. Lately I have been thinking  "what am I suppose to do in life?", "what is my purpose"?, "what I am really good at?". These questions go through my mind often when I am thinking about what job I want when I go into the real world. Am I suppose to go into media or is their something else I am supposed to do. How can I know though? I can't spend the rest of my life going to school for different courses or waste away never knowing. I would like to know soon so I can make decisions in my life. If I am ready to move to a different country or should I go back to school for another course. I look at some people and it seems they know exactly what to do and what they need to do in life and I want to ask them how do they know? How do you know this is what you are suppose to be doing for the rest of your life? I wonder if I just need to experience life and it will just jump right in my face one day like seeing the light or I just have to find something that pays the bills and I can enjoy doing. I wish life was easier to live in but its not. Soon I will have to do a lot more reality things by myself. No more parents looking after it all. But it's coming real soon where I will have to do that and to tell you the truth I am so scared. I want to be an independent women as well. Know how to do everything on my own and have my own career. I see so many women who have depended on their husbands so much and end up getting a divorce. What happens to those women is they are left alone with no education or no knowledge on how to live. Why would you want to end up like that. If that happened to me I would be so scared and wouldn't know what to do next. Thats one goal in life is not to be dependent on the man and be independent. That's one decision made but what about the rest. What about what I should do as a career? Do what I am doing in Media or be a teacher or do journalism? I am so confused what to do I feel like I am going to burst from the inside. I am hoping and praying for a sign to show and tell me the right path. I am sure many of people are suffering with the same questions about life. Not the only one. But I need to learn to stop stressing and worrying about it and enjoy what life brings to me now or I will regret it. I am only 20 once so may as well have fun and of course still do my homework.

work..work..work...

Yesterday at work someone said to me "I can't see you as the career person but more of a person to be with her family more". I thought about that while I worked away at the Deli and thought I do want to be with my family and do as much as I can with my children. But I still want a career and a job. Even doing part-time work while my children are growing up but I don't want to be a stay at home mom. Just because I think I would not like being inside the house all the time. Need something to get up for and know I can be independent. This person also said to me most students end working what they did for their very first job. So she said "I can see you as a Deli Manager or own or work at a restaurant". I looked at her thinking "are you crazy?". No offense to the people who are working at Deli and Restaurant as their permanent job but that's not what I want. I know that for a fact because I dread going to work everyday. I lose sleep worrying about my horrible schedule for the next week and I can't wait until the time comes when I can leave. I have no desire to work at a deli or a grocery store for the rest of my life. She said she knew a girl who was very bright and worked while she was in University. But by the time she was done she was Manager at her job, earning good money and was very comfortable at this job. To this day she is still there wasting a way a degree. I understand why people do that because you think what if I quit and I can't find a good job anywhere else. Why don't just stay here were I know the job so well and earn good money already. Life isn't about that. You must try new things and experience new things. Life is going to throw you obstacles you don't like but in the end you will have no regrets. I shouldn't really talk because their are still things I would like to do but are afraid and I am afraid now that I will regret it in the years to come. I am also a person who doesn't cope with change very good. At first it's hard for me but then I eventually do get used to. I don't want to live where I am now for the rest of my life but I wan't to move around even to different countries. It scares me so much thinking about leaving my hometown and the house I grew up in and changing cultures. But if you stop doing everything because you are afraid of the what if's then you will never experience things and have regrets. I want to know what life is like outside these walls. That includes different jobs and hopefully more exciting jobs then a dishwasher or a deli worker or deli queen as my dad calls me. I just hope everyone who has the chance to do college and University doesn't waste it on dead end jobs and does things with their life's. It can be scary thinking about the outside world but you will regret it if you don't. That's why I went to Humber to experience living on my own and living in a different area then I do now. I like it at times but now I don't have a regret not going away for school. There are still so many things I want to do and experience and I do have time to do them and I will. Stay positive and don't think your dead-end student job is all you can do!

modeling..

Throughout the years since I turned 12 people have been telling me to do modeling. I always just figured it was because I was tall and slim. I would look at myself in the mirror and never see myself being on a cover of a magazine or on a billboard somewhere in New York City. Never thought I was the modeling type or had the look for it. The older I got the features on my face began to change and I got braces. Now when I look at myself in the mirror I feel good about myself. I will admit though I sometimes still put myself down but that's just normal for me. I used to be very private showing my body but now feel comfortable doing it. People always said to me you have a nice body show it off before it's too late. Now I wear bikini's at the beach and wear short shorts when out on a sunny day. But I still don't have the confidence in myself to try modeling. I am one of those people waiting for a professional to say to me do modeling and I will help get you there. I am wondering if I am wasting time to do modeling or it's not really for me.

the begining of many more.

This is my first blog ever and I thought I start now because there are always things on my mind. I am in a stage in my life where big decisions have to be made. For example, what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life for a career, where I want to live, should I do this or not. But one thing I do know for sure is I don't want to end up working in a grocery store at a Deli for the rest of my life. I want my life to be interesting and exciting. I want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face knowing I am going to enjoy my day. Do something that makes me happy and be able to come home to a loving place and family. To have the freedom to travel and do new things. But I am sure most people want exactly that in life and it does come with hard work or for the people who just get lucky by having a rich family or marrying rich or even winning the lottery have no worries. I agree with the saying "Money doesn't make you happy". Of course it is great to have money in life so you can do the things you love and not have to worry about being in so much debt or worrying if you can feed your family. But it's what you do and family that makes you happy. Personally, I love being with my family and friends. The joy they bring to my life I couldn't ask for anything better. I am in a situation soon where I have to make a decision for my career. People ask me all the time "so what do you want to do for a job" and I really don't have an answer. It's sad really but I believe many people are in the same vote. I am currently enrolled in a Multimedia course and only have one more year. But been having seconds thought about it. I want to do something that helps others. Doing a good deed and making someone happy every day. I thought being a nurse or paramedic but I can't handle the blood or the broken bones, or needles or even losing them. There is also social worker but in 2009 I went to Wales and my cousin is a primary teacher. She asked if I wanted to come help with her class on craft day. So I did it about 3 times and loved it. I loved the kids, I loved helping them, I loved just listening to there stories. The past month I was thinking of actually maybe going into teaching. I thought I could do a teaching assistant course first and see if I really do like it and then start university. I don't want to rush into University and deciding it's really not what I want and being in debt. I can be shy but when I am pushed into a situation I can be confident. I thought this could be a way that I could help people. I am helping children learn. Plus I would get good benefits, pension and good holidays lol. But that's not what it's all about. I was also thinking of going to school in Wales and experience something different. I am hearing of lots of people who are going to Australia and that for school. There is still a lot to think about but for now I need to finish the college course I am in now and enjoy life :)